Looking at last year's resolutions kinda makes me look like a failure. Then I start to think about all the lessons God has taught me this past year, and I realize that God had bigger resolutions planned for me. I am so thankful for the things he has been showing me about myself. Things he has probably been showing me my whole life but I am just figuring out. When he first started showing me things, it felt good and refreshing. The more he started to work on me, the deeper the lessons went. It started to get painful and I wanted them to stop. Who wants painful things that you've buried away to be brought up again and dealt with? Literally, I remember one week I was so joyful and thankful that God was revealing things to me. The very next week I emotionally asked him to please stop. Some things are still too personal to share, but I am going to share some. Lord, please don't stop working on me.
1. There is more of me to give to my family and to others. I am a stay at home mom who cooks, cleans and consoles all day long. How much more of myself is there to give? Isn't being a mom of four small girls enough? God is showing me that with his help, there is more of me to give.
2. I really hate being removed from my comfort zones. It makes me cranky and irritable. However, if I let God remove me from those comfort zones and then I'm open to what he has for me beyond them, my whole thinking and view can be completely changed. (A quote from Beth Moore's Esther bible study, "Any time God calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life.") Calling us to die, for me, doesn't literally mean to die, but certain perspectives and perceptions to die. To die of ourselves.
3. I need to be a transparent Christian. I had already been feeling this and then I started Beth Moore's Esther bible study. Here is one of her phrases from that bible study, "One of the most important ways of fulfilling our destiny, will be transparency." Transparency for me means, when I make a mistake, I need to own it and learn from it. And when I'm going through a trial I need to share with others what I'm going through. Maybe someone is going through that same trial and we can learn from one another. I can count numerous time where I didn't feel comfortable sharing something personal with a fellow christian or family member. Fear of being judged or fear of how you will be perceived is worth it if it helps one other person.
4. My husband really knows what he's talking about and I should listen to him more. Don't get me wrong, I think a marriage is equal but just because I'm running the household doesn't mean I know everything. This economy has clinched our budget. I can't even begin to tell you all the lesson's I've learned from this one hardship. At first I just wanted more money in our bank account and that would fix everything. Then I started to realize that this hardship was one of our biggest blessings. For me anyways. We can live on less. The most important realization was that my husband has had really sound financial ideas for our family and I never thought they were important. It was really a bunch of small things that added together could have changed things for us. I've always know my husband is a real gem and God blessed me when he put us together, but he has never once been bitter or held any of it against me. I would have. If it was something I had been telling him for years and he didn't listen. I'm still blown away that he lovingly waited for me to learn that lesson on my own. What is it about finances that makes people too embarrassed to talk about them? That was hard for me to write.
5. It's ok to be emotional. I am a very emotional person. For years I've been embarrassed about it. (Maybe I should be embarrassed that I cried over blue alien babies when we were watching Avatar the other day.) God is teaching me that he made me this way for a reason. So I can feel what others are feeling. Empathy. I am more open to God's voice when I'm in an emotional state. It's ok to cry and to feel. Why do we feel the need to make our children stop crying and tell them that it's not ok to feel what they are feeling?
Wow! God's resolutions are so much more powerful than my own. I have so many more personal things to deal with that will probably take a lifetime to change.
My resolution for 2010: That my resolutions' be God's and that my heart and mind be open to them.